RAPE IS A DEFINING [series of] MOMENT [s]

Americans [seem to] like to honor defining moments. We have holidays, half-days, ceremonies, and rights-of-passage. We have first-time-days and never-again-just-this-once-so special days. We have preparation-days like baby and bridal showers. We have rehearsal-dinners and after-brunches. We even honor the dead. We have funerals, mourning parlors, and marches of remembrance. New shoes, back-packs and pencils-perfectly-sharpened carry the smell of school-starts, while salt, bread and something-useful-adorned-with-ribbon honor new homes. Most organized religions require a rite-of-passage for maturity and even a jail-sentence is noted by a cloak-figured-Judge’s pounding gravel. In the US, each of these defining moments has an associated industry and currency.  Celebratory events generally require consumables. We eat them, wear them, throw them, give and receive them, talk about them, and, as is the case with consumption, we use them up. Capitalism thrives on our longings for inclusion and participation.

The United States originated as a mixing pot. Most of us are descendants of the original expatriates:  refugees, wealthy-people-craving-something-new, slaves and indentured servants. This cultural conglomeration, super-imposed on the already thriving cultures that inhabited what we now call ‘our Country’ may have some obscure something to do with our tenacious cling to tradition and celebratory events. Whatever the origin, we surely act out of the belief that defining moments matter.

How is it then that a defining moment for one out of three (!) females and one tenth of this number (!) males, is not only deep-sixed in the demarcation department, but deliberately and systemically omitted?  This is an enormous number.  Consider for a moment the size and population of our world. In the United States alone, just the Wedding Industry generates over 60 billion dollars a year. This figure excludes honeymoons, which add an estimated 4 to 8 billion. And since Gay Marriage is only so recently legalized, and still in only some places, I have to assume this additional, potential revenue is also not included.

Imagine how much money could be made if for every incident when a person chooses to rape (99% of these perpetrators are male) and for every person who survives, the loved ones of both orchestrated an event.

Please note that this article does not intend to dishonor the victims who do not [physically] survive rape. It’s simply that revenue for the death-industry is already counted within our current system of checks and balances. We even sell land-shares - funeral plots - in preparation. As far as I know, time-sharing in the funereal industry is illegal, unless Native Americans are valued enough to be compensated as previous inhabitants, so revenue for dead rapists and dead rape victims falls within existing Industry profit margins.

But for the people who survive.  Think what a business this could be.  We could honor the event by creating a surrounding milieu that:

A.            Offers validation rather than denial.

B.            Offers telling rather than silence.

C.            Offers compassion rather than blame and shame.

D.            Offers movement rather than inhibition.

E.            Offers treatment rather than a reduction in human services.

Given that rape happens with ferocious regularity, and given that the word 'rape' - never mind the subject - is taboo, and given that we know that recovery requires a reciprocal loop that includes talking, listening and mutual validation, I could go on and on about the potential benefits to be had by adding rape to our cultural list of visible, enfranchised, defining moments. Rape could sit next to the other occasions of loss that we gather to share and grieve about. But perhaps the simple possibility of increasing revenue to wealthy Americans will be enough to turn the tide.

Unfortunately though, given our Global Rape Culture, rape is a four-letter word. (At least in English.) But even this doesn’t rationalize our omission. Dead, shot, kill, scar, fuck, cunt, dick, dark, duel, and fail all have four letters, and these words are enfranchised.

Oh well, maybe the utter abhorrence of the topic and the utter denial of the experience and the people who have lived through it, as well as their loved ones and extended communities, is simply a financial issue. I’m frankly surprised that some of our more adept economic analysts haven’t thought of this. Just think. What if talking about rape and its’ aftermath could save the world from monetary disaster?

OMIT: (verb)

1.     to negate to do or include

2.     to fail (to do something)

JOIN THE CONVERSATION (not welcome)

 My understanding of ‘First Thursday’ in Jamaica Plain, MA (where I live) has been that shops offer reduced prices, artists show their work, workshops are offered, restaurants offer specials, and foot traffic is welcomed. It has seemed, to me, a most efficient and pleasurable way for the community to find community. Quite frankly, I’ve kicked myself each month when I’ve realized that for some random work issue, parenting squabble or a simple forgetting, I’ve missed it again. This past ‘First Thursday’ I happened to be driving through JP center between 6 and 8 PM. It was lovely to see so many people milling about and so many conversations in motion. I have to say I got really excited. It seemed to me that local people were eager to share what they were doing with other local people who had an interest in knowing.

I actually thought: ‘This is right up my alley.’ As an artist, a filmmaker, a writer, a single mother, and a therapist specializing in working with trauma survivors and their significant, connected people, I often feel isolated from the larger community.

Recently I have been working in partnership with my son. We’ve been deeply engaged in educating, public speaking and Internet outreach in our attempts to support a growing public awareness and conversation about sexual assault and rape.

To augment this work we have created: 

YouTube.com/LivingWithPTSD

and our ‘Join the Conversation’ FaceBook page: 

facebook.com/rapehurtseveryone

We are hard at work on the documentary ‘Living After Rape’. When I gave the Keynote Address and ‘Join the Conversation’ was featured at the recent (amazing) event: Slutwalk DC, we were honored and delighted to also film many hours of interviews for the documentary.

It has been wonderful to receive the numerous letters and invitations - that originate all over the world - from people who support our work and the Documentary. As I’ve slowly worked my way through my personal responses to each person’s inquiry and story, I’ve also bemoaned the fact that I simply have not had the time to properly introduce the Documentary project to our local community here.   

“Ah, ha!” I thought.  ‘First Thursday’ seemed the perfect vehicle to create an opportunity to talk with people. We have most everything we need, and it’s all accessible due to our recent Washington DC foray.  We’re set with plenty of wonderful cards that speak to the campaign. I purchased a bend-in-half-table-with-a-handle in anticipation, and then began the delicate folding required for the ‘Rape Hurts, Join the Conversation’ Tee-Shirts we sell to promote the viewership.

It simply never occurred to me that we - and/or our work - as artists and educators would be deemed inappropriate. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. My assumption has always been that most people would be delighted to know about our work, and if they were not, there would certainly be other vendors and businesses for them to visit with instead.

I have to say that the reception with which my inquiry was received was less than cordial, certainly not welcoming and actually downright rude. I was told that we (Join the Conversation) are “… Absolutely not appropriate [for First Thursday].”

After googling ‘First Thursday’ in Jamaica Plain, I thought I’d offer some direct media quotes about the event, in the hope that this information may be helpful to other unsuspecting people wanting to join in the fun.

“… Local merchants showcased their art and explained their craft and story to intrigued shoppers. Among the exhibitors were members of Boston Handmade, whose founder we recently profiled on Patch. Several stores adorned their front doors with balloons and signs to indicate their participation and incite customers to look around.

Live music, food tasting, and hands-on activities were all part of the summer event's treat. The next First Thursday of the season is scheduled for Sept. 1st, from 6 to 8 p.m….” (excerpted from Jamaica Plain Patch (online))

I realize that talking, thinking about and living the ramifications of global rape culture is uncomfortable. It’s often tempting for people to think that they don’t want, or need, to entertain the subject. I truly wish this were the case. However, current statistics state that 1 out of 3 women will experience sexual assault in their lifetime.. One out of three! For males, the numbers stand at 1 out of 10 of these. It is also stated that the perpetrators are 99% male. What this means is that the likelihood of our youth, passing through their lives, without either encountering a situation first-hand or knowing someone who has, is almost nil.

If the subject of rape remains so taboo that it is virtually a social suicide to bring it up, what are we to do? Particularly since recovery from sexual trauma requires an environment where survivors are supported in speaking the reality of what has happened to them.